THE DANGER OF FAITHLESS AND EXCESSIVE MOURNING
“…the king was much moved, and went up to the chamber over the gate, and wept: and as he went, thus he said, O my son Absalom, my son, my son Absalom! would God I had died for thee, O Absalom, my son, my son!” 2 Samuel 19:1-8
As one of God’s children, someone is always watching not only how we live but also how we respond to the circumstances that come into our lives. At no time is this truer than when we enter into seasons of tragedy or loss. On some level it makes sense that people would watch us at these times, because how we face loss manifests the real metal of our faith. When suffering the loss of a loved one, no thinking person would expect a child of God not to mourn or to shed tears of grief. As people of faith we know that we will see our saved loved ones again in glory. Nevertheless, we will miss their presence here and now.
What the world does not expect to see from a people of faith is out of control, excessive or paralyzing grief. This is what Paul referred to in I Thessalonians 4:13 when he spoke of mourning as a “people who have no hope.” It is perfectly acceptable for God’s people to mourn loss. But, as people of faith, we are not to respond to loss as people “who have no hope.”
In our text David learned of the death of his son Absalom and there is no way to describe his reaction other than “out of control mourning.” Absalom in his rebellion sought to drive the people away from David. While he was never able to realize his goal, David through his out of control response to his son’s death nearly accomplished that which Absalom was unsuccessful in doing. (II Samuel 19:7)
In II Samuel 18:31 Cushi arrived with word from the battle field. David’s forces had won the day over the army of Absalom and his rebellion had cost him his life. David’s son Absalom was dead. It is natural that in verse 33 we read of David’s grief over his son. However, David was not just shaken by the news, but fell apart emotionally. The words, “much moved” in verse 33 means “violent or inordinate emotion – to be out of control.” We see the tenor of his response in that he ignored his people, his family, and his duties as king and fled to a room over the city gate, shut himself in and fell apart. (II Samuel 18:33, 19:4) David’s grief was such that he might have destroyed his life and kingdom had it not been for the rough but necessary intervention of Joab in II Samuel 19:5-7.
It is natural for a child of God to grieve the loss of a loved one. But to give ourselves over to excessive mourning is something a people of faith should not do. Over the years, I have seen people destroy their lives, push away their spouse and their living children, and ruin their testimony, by allowing themselves to lose control of their response to a death or tragedy. They fled to their “upper chamber over the gate,” so absorbed with grief that they could not see that they were destroying the good that remained in their lives. This is what excessive grief often does. It drives a child of God to destroy the good that remains. This only serves to turn tragedy into greater tragedy.
THE RESULTS OF DAVID’S EXCESSIVE GRIEF:
First, David gave his mourning preeminence over everything in his life to the point that he was paralyzed by it. (II Samuel 18:33) He fled to his chamber and gave his mourning preeminence over those who still needed him, his duties as king, those who counted on him, and even his surviving family. Absalom had a mother who lost a son as well. No doubt she needed the comfort of her husband, but he was so absorbed in his own grief he could be of little help to her. Everyone mourns in a time of loss. Yet, it is excessive when we allow it to become paralyzing, causing us to the neglect the important things that remain in our lives. While we miss our loved one, there are duties, responsibilities and life that remains.
Secondly, David allowed his mourning to become excessive to the point that it corrupted his thinking, making his words and actions illogical. (II Samuel 18:33) David said that he wished he had died in the place of his son, which sounds understandable to some. But it was illogical and foolish talk coming forth from excessive grief and not his Lord. It was not God’s will for him to have died in the stead of his son. He might wish he were dead, but what would have happened to the lives of those who had helped him during the rebellion and his retreat from Jerusalem had Absalom become king as David in his grief wished? What about the lives of those who fought for him, gave him supplies, and spied for him? What about the lives of his other sons had Absalom lived and sought to secure his throne from the competition? How would all these have fared with Absalom as king? Would the people of David’s kingdom been better off with Absalom on the throne? David’s statement did not come forth from faith, but from excessive mourning. For every person who allows themselves to go down this path, making illogical and thoughtless statements, there are dozens of “What about….” statements that could be made. In seasons of grief we are to cling to our faith, realizing that God is not finished with us yet. He has more for us to do and there are still people who need us.
Thirdly, David allowed his mourning to become excessive in that it drove him to bitterness against God. (II Samuel 18:33) There is more than a hint of bitterness in David’s words in II Samuel 18:33 when he cried out “Absalom…why didn’t God kill me instead of you?” David’s sorrow caused him to forget that death is a part of this life and sooner or later death and sorrow comes for us all. No matter how hard we pray or believe, at some point God will not spare. A people of faith realize this and respond in measured grief and mourning. But grief is excessive when we blame God and make accusations against him like a people who have no faith. Death comes for us all because it is the only door that leads from here to glory.
Fourthly, David allowed his grieving to become excessive when it drove him to care for nothing but his grief, seeming even to cherish his mourning. David had lost a son and that was something to mourn over. But on the battlefield outside Mahanaim, in the Woods of Ephraim, where the battle between David’s and Absalom’s forces was fought, lay 20,000 dead fathers, sons and husbands. (II Samuel 19:1-7) Some of those 20,000 had died to save David and to preserve his throne. Yet, David allowed his grief to become so excessive that it made it seem as if their loss meant nothing to him. (II Samuel 19:6) Shortly, the army would be returning. They were wounded and hurting. They would be bringing with them 20,000 who had given all. They would need to see their King and to have him mourn with them. However, was the King at the gate to meet them? No, he was in his upper chamber overtaken with sorrow. There would be thousands of grieving wives, parents and children who were now fatherless. But David acted as if his grief was all that mattered. God’s people need to mourn, but grief becomes excessive when it loses sight that rarely are we the only one mourning a loss. Our mourning is out of control when we act as if our suffering is all that matters.
Fifthly, David allowed his grief to become excessive in that it brought guilt and shame on those nearest to him. (II Samuel 19:1-6) He made those closest to him feel as if they had something to be ashamed of because David’s son was dead and they were alive. He caused all Israel to slink away to their tents like they had done something wrong, as if it was their fault Absalom was dead. He made them feel as if he wished they had died instead of Absalom. People can become so caught up in grief that it gives those closest to them the impression that they and their lives mean nothing because of the one that was lost. At times, a parent caught up in excessive grief can even make their own surviving children feel as if their lives mean nothing to their own mom or dad because of the one who is gone.
Lastly, David allowed his grief to become excessive to the point that it was pushing the people who loved him away and destroying valuable relationships in his life. (II Samuel 19:7) He was pushing away the people who cared the most at a time when he needed them most. He did not have to grieve in an upper chamber alone. There were many who loved him and wanted to share in his grief but his faithless mourning had blinded him to this truth.
I am certainly not insinuating that David should not have mourned the loss of his son. What I am saying is that he should have mourned his loss in the same faith that he lived every day. In II Samuel 19:8 we see in him what we would have hoped to have seen from the first, grief under the control of his faith. “Then the king arose, and sat in the gate. And they told unto all the people, saying, Behold, the king doth sit in the gate. And all the people came before the king…”
We are a people of faith and that faith is to strengthen us even in times of loss. It is both natural and healthy to grieve and mourn loss in our lives. Mourning is expected. But our mourning is never to become so excessive that it causes us to forget the good that remains or even worse, is allowed to destroy it. There is always good that remains. Have faith in God that when it comes to our saved loved ones, death is never good bye. Death is only the door way to glory where we will one day see them by and by.
